Joke For the Day
« Thread Started on Jan 27, 2008, 7:28pm » [Quote]
Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just
hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job!


The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man

who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll
have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her impetuous urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment

above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.

The guy, wide-eyed, said, ' you’re BSing me!'


The social worker said, ' Yeah, well, . . you started it.'

OMG!

Thats pretty good

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car...and you know how you just-get-so-stressed...and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it...he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I Am NOT Happy!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

...and that's when the fight started.

^LOL!

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under that counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "Amen, Sister. The curlers are on me."

Seen on a t shirt
G F ck y r s lf Want to buy a vowel?

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a beatuful tiny magical nymph appeared at their table.

She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple, and especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh", said the wife, "I want to travel the world with my darling husband."

The magical nymph waved her magic wand and -poof!- two tickets for the Quen Mary II luxury liner and ten thousand dollars appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said; "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So I'm going with my mind and not my heart. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the magical nymph were shocked and disappointed.

But a wish is a wish.

So, the magical nymph waved her magic wand and -poof!- the husband became 92 years old.

Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember that all magical nymphs are female.

Billboard advertising:

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Note: this will not help you if you smell like dead fish.

Government Funded Healthcare

Mrs. Ward runs to answer her phone. "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested postive for AIDS. We can't tell which are your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for one of these expensive tests one time. The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

True Love: A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this
experiment:

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline..

Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN 'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
two.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even
Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.



After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said he wanted to thank
everyone for coming, many from
long distances, to support them
at their wedding.

He especiall y wanted to tha nk the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation
he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to
open their envelope.





Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious
of them weeks earlier and had
hired a private detective to tail
them.
for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned
to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled
first thing in the morning..

While most people would have canceled the wedding
immediately after finding out
about the affair, this
guy goes through with the
charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents p ay over $32,000 for a
300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the
bride's and best man's reputations
in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of
church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.

There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD

priceless, how 'bout SPEECHLESS? It's gonna be a long time before I hear anything like this.

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "What's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

"Oh Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh Mary! That's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father."

"Tell me, my child."

She replied, "He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun."

Ms. Bellevu, you had quite the zesty sense of humor! Do favor us with more jokes real soon

I like the short jokes the best. lol

Bell, I swear.....

quote:

Ms. Bellevu, you had quite the zesty sense of humor! Do favor us with more jokes real soon Big Grin

That would be MR!

Yes, Sir, Belle, SIR!

Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the alter. Leroy gets in line, and when its his turn, the preacher asks: 'Leroy, what do ou want me to pray about for you?'

"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and asks Leroy: 'How is your hearing now?'

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."

This is sent only to those whose level of maturity?
qualifies them to relate to it...

1977: Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair


1977: KEG
2007: EKG







1977 : Acid rock
2007 : Acid reflux






1977 : Moving to California because it's cool
2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm






1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor






1977 : Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage




BR>


1977 : Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM




1977 : Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint






1977 : Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones




1977 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system




1977 : Disco
2007: Costco



1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved






1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test






1977 : Whatever?


2007 : Depends?


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to
try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this?
year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:?

The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1989.



They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.



Their lifetime has always included AIDS.






Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.




The CD was introduced the year they were born.



They have always had an answering machine




They have always had cable.



They cannot fathom not having a remote control.





Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.





Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.




They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.





They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.





They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.





They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk
a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."





They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea?
who J. R. even is.





Mc Donald 's never came in Styrofoam containers.





?

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.





Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old?
fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's
for those of you who have trouble reading...







So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who
know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!